My home study was this past Wednesday. I knew quite a bit of what to expect, but wasn't sure of the precise particulars. From the emails, I knew the lady was friendly and presumed she was about my age. She acted like a real human being and did not have a higher than thou attitude that I didn't realize I was looking for until she didn't have it. :)
She arrived right on time, and we ate lunch while she asked a bunch of questions that in any other situation could be considered inappropriate coming from a stranger. "What's your relationship with your father?" "Why do you want to be a foster parent?" (This was a "really!?" moment in it's hilarity. When I explained about wanting to be a mom and loving on little ones, she said, "You know there's other ways to be a mom, right?" Ummm...not sure where you're going with this since we've established the fact that I'm single. Are you really talking about...oh, yes...yes, you are. Um, blushing....um....stumbling over words....um....AND, MOVING ON NOW!)
Some of the questions I had no clue how to begin answering because of the ridiculousness of the question. Well, that's not true. The question is not ridiculous, but the fact that they have to ask it due to the SAD nature of humanity that even finds it's way into foster parenting is heartbreaking.
"What question could you possibly be talking about, Alyssa?"
"What are your rules about food?"
My first thought was "Should I HAVE rules about food?" I mean, I know some children need help balancing their food intake, but a RULE about it seems a little extreme to me...and then it hit me and "Well, it will be accessible." came out of my mouth.
Her immediate words were "That's the word I needed to hear. It needs to be accessible." And an episode of Criminal Minds immediately came to mind of Morgan and Prentiss being in a foster parent's house and the lady wearing a key around her neck, under her shirt. A key to the padlock on the REFRIGERATOR and her foster son, who is a teenage boy that would like an after school snack is denied because of her selfishness and frugality. DISGUSTING!
(On a much more shallow note: Fellow CM watchers, Melody and Kelly, I'm thinking of you and smiling :) Any other Criminal Minds friends out there?)
Another difficult question was "What are your feelings towards the bio parents?" That one is hard on so many levels. My emotions aren't raw now, because I don't know my little girl's story yet. I haven't held her as she wakes up in tears. I don't have her terrified and angry eyes looking at me when I make the simple, yet oh so terrifying suggestion of taking a bath. I'm not dealing with a tantrum to gain my attention because she has been neglected. I'm not in the trenches yet...so my emotions aren't raw. I can think logically and know that these parents are HUMAN and make mistakes because of that distinction. I know I was raised in a home where my parents knew how to be parents. My mom's college degree is in Early Childhood Development, so basically "this is how you raise children." I know the parents of these children didn't have that same blessing. I know many of these parents were probably abused themselves and are simply treating their children the way they were treated....or the only way they know how. I know that. I can think logically about it now. I know these little ones don't WANT to be removed from their home. They may be scared, but these are still their parents, whom they love. They may hate it there, but the unknown is much more scary and this strange white lady is exactly that...a stranger.
She was here for just short of two hours and the last five minutes we toured the apartment. This part was comically frustrating. I mean, it was comical because of the short time she looked around, but frustrating because SERIOUSLY, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE WORKED TO FOLLOW THE RULES AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO LOOK! Not to mention my thoughts of, "What if the next person that comes does more than glances at things and something is wrong and I didn't know it was wrong because you didn't even look at it so I didn't know to fix it and now it's wrong and I'm being written up for it or whatever the foster agency calls it and I can't really blame you, but oh, how I will want to!" (Yes, grammar friends, I am quite aware that is a major run-on sentence, but I'm doing it anyway. Stream of consciousness and all. And none of you should be even the slightest bit surprised that I'm having to explain a choice to break the grammar rules. Love, Me)
Her final words were that she had no concerns and she'd type up the paperwork next week. Backing up just a tad though, when she saw the clothes in the girl's closet, she commented that I was really prepared and she could call me with a little girl tomorrow. Um, WHAT!? Yes, I'm prepared, but I don't know that I want a little one tomorrow!
Since then we've emailed a bit and while the next stage is completely out of my hands and not difficult, it is simply a formality actually, but it is a formality that requires several steps. She has to type up the forms, contacting me if she ever has a question. Then someone proofreads them. Then she makes any corrections. Then three people have to sign off on them, two in Arlington and one in Carrollton. So, while none of that is hard, we all know that could take awhile. I've heard this process can take anywhere from 2-6 weeks. But, it is all a formality. If they receive a phone call about a child that fits with me well, they can fly through that paperwork in minutes and that child could be in my home tonight.
Yes, I just typed tonight. Yes, that scares me more than a little.
I really did think I would wait a whole school year. Now, I'm....stuck...questioning. Should I wait? Should I be ready to move forward immediately? I've come to the conclusion that the Lord is in control of this and it is HIS timing, not mine. If He wants me to have a little girl, then it will be when He is ready. When they call, I know He will prepare me to answer...with either a yes or a no. That call could come at any moment. They want an answer immediately. Right then. On the phone. The child could be at my home anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours later. It happens quickly.
Prayers for discernment, wisdom, patience and a love for the little girl beyond any possible emotion I could physically possess are welcome, begged for and oh, so appreciated!
